Retro Puppet Master (dir. David DeCoteau, 1999)
I have never seen an entry in the Puppet Master franchise before this one and have only vague knowledge of it as a property. This shouldn’t be a problem, however, as this is chronologically the first entry in the series, taking place in 1902, aside from scenes in 1944 that bookend the film and take place between Puppet Master III: Toulon’s Revenge and Puppet Master 9: Axis of Evil, both of which are prequels to the original 1989 film. Presumably in this one we will learn the origin of the puppets and their master, who I think might be Toulon?
Okay, fine, I’ll admit it. I’m only watching it because the Rifftrax was up on Amazon Prime and it stars Greg Sestero.
Yes, that Greg Sestero: Mark from The Room.
I read Sestero’s memoir The Disaster Artist when it first came out in 2013, and he spends some time discussing his experiences working on Retro Puppet Master, but I cannot remember many details from the book. Obviously, this is because Tommy Wiseau dominates the narrative, so matters like, “What was it like working with the man who later directed that talking cat movie where Eric Roberts recorded all his dialogue over the phone in a bathroom?” slip away from one’s memory. It’s like how I can more accurately remember Wiseau’s thrusting ass on camera than I do, say, the sound of my dead grandfather’s voice. He has a presence, is what I’m saying.
So, what’s Sestero like sans Wiseau?
You know how The Room is bad in fascinating ways that reward repeat viewings and is worthy of critical analysis, a tell-all book, and a behind-the-scenes reenactment with way too much creative control by sex creep James Franco?
Well, this isn’t that. This is a Full Moon Features picture released direct-to-video in the late 1990s.
Anyway, the film follows a puppeteer in 1902 as he navigates the various social strata of turn-of-the-century French society that shows influence from Jean Renoir’s masterpiece La Règle du Jeu. There’s also an ancient Egyptian sorcerer named Afzel who has stolen the secret of life and is being pursued by resurrected mummies at the behest of the god Sutekh. Afzel makes his way to Paris where Toulon saves him from the mummies disguised as Edwardian gentleman. As a reward, Afzel reveals his mystic technique to Toulon and animates some of his puppets as a demonstration of his power. He also informs Toulon that these puppets will be instrumental in defeating some knock-off Lovecraftian gods hundreds of years from now, but that doesn’t really matter at the moment. The rest of the film covers further attempts by Setekh to capture them, some intrigue and romance with the ambassador’s daughter, and railcar fights.
This will come as a shock to some of you, but it turns out the seventh entry in a direct-to-video horror series about magic puppets isn’t that great [1]. I can’t fault them for not having ambition, but the budget and effects were never going to be realize whatever vision they had. Sestero hadn’t grown into that fully realized vessel of Markness that The Room required, so he’s not much of a draw. Maybe if you had the sort of relationship with the series where you know all the puppets’ names without resorting to a surprisingly detailed Wikipedia page, you would get something more out of it. Do you really want to be that guy, though? The guy who knows the difference between Hellraiser Pinhead and Puppet Master Pinhead?
I will give Retro Puppet Master this, though. It was a boring and poorly made film, but at least it’s better than the godawful Patch Adams that Sestero was in before this. Not even Philip Seymour Hoffman could redeem that saccharine trash.
[1] This is unlike the Child’s Play franchise, which is better and more consistently written than it has any right to be.
October 13, 2018
oliveresque 